illuminating all, in time

Thu Apr 04, 2019 3:25 am

(( tw for sexual assault mention ))

August 9th, 2019

When she steps out of the clubhouse, the once warm August air has gone cold. She can feel it seep beneath her skin and settle into her bones. Her hair is disheveled from Lachlan tangling his fingers in it. Her tank top is wrinkled and the strap is falling off her shoulder, thanks to Delilah showing up and Skye trying to cover herself up even there was really no use to it. The deed was done.

The sun has already set as she walks past the greenspace, up the slight incline to her back porch. There’s a light on in the kitchen and a motorcycle in the driveway, and for a moment she forgot why she had gone to Lachlan’s in the first place.

Somewhere behind her she can hear something being thrown in the pool, and the sound of a door slamming. Lachlan was never known for his emotional control.

She stands in her backyard for a second, trying to figure out what she’s going to do. She can feel her heart pump at record speed, she wants to cry but no tears come. She just wishes for once in her life, she could cry when she wanted to. Right now it feels like her chest is going to explode from every single emotion she had packed down.

She wishes she had never met Lachlan Reid. She wishes she had never gone to his house. She wishes she could’ve stopped all of this from happening. Except here she is. Life is a bitch.

She knows she’s not ready to go inside. She can’t pretend everything is fine. She also can’t tell them what just happened, because how would she? How could she tell the people that raised her and her mother that she was in a casual relationship with the boy next door and her childhood best friend walked in on her and got mad because they had kissed over a year ago and never admitted their feelings for each other? Yeah, that would go over well them.

She also can’t stand here forever. So she has to make a choice. Her eyes scan the backyard, passing over beds of flowers and a newly installed koi pond. Then, her vision lands on a lone tire swing hanging from the branches of a large oak tree. She remembers being younger and slowly turning round and round, winding up the rope, until she brought her feet up and just spun, watching the backyard becoming a blur around her.

Before she knows it, she’s standing in front of it, and climbing onto it like she used to. She slowly winds it up, turning in circles, like if she kept at it she could turn back the clock. She keeps going until she feels the rope trying to coil, then she grips the sides of the tire and kicks her feet up. Her world becomes streaks of shadows and light, and she closes her eyes, until the feeling of vertigo overtakes her. Maybe if she closes her eyes tight enough, and focuses really hard, she’ll open her eyes and be back to that summer day before she had joined the legion. Maybe there’d be an empty space where the Reid house used to be. Maybe she’d see Delilah coming over, and they wouldn’t have to worry about feelings or romantic tension, they could just be kids. The worst thing they’d have to worry about is scraped knees or broken bicycle chains.

The tire eventually stops spinning, turning back and forth to get out the excess energy before coming to rest. Skye’s eyes finally open, and they land on a woman. She’s not much taller than her, her brown hair is pulled into a messy bun. She’s wearing a tank top under a leather jacket. Her hands are in her pockets, and she’s looking at Skye like she has something to say but doesn’t know how to say it.

For a moment, Skye wonders if she’s staring at a future version of herself. If she’s destined to end up like the woman before her. Will she be here in twenty years time, staring at her daughter that she had left behind, wondering what to say? She hopes not.

“Hey, kid.” Her mother says, approaching slowly, “I’m so sorry.”

Skye thinks back to what Delilah had said to her only ten minutes earlier. Are you really sorry, or are you just sorry you got caught. Would it be hypocritical of her to echo the sentiment? This was all Irene’s fault anyways. If she had called, if she hadn’t shown up three days late, she wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t have gotten caught by Delilah, she wouldn’t have fought with Lachlan. She has to wonder if she’s aware of the ripples she caused.

Instead, Skye says the next thing that comes to mind, “Sorry for not calling or sorry for showing up? Or sorry for not staying? Or sorry for ignoring me for all of my life? Or sorry for not showing up to my funeral?” It feels good to get this off her chest. To be angry at someone. To feel the fire back in her heart.

“Go ahead, I deserve it.” Irene says, and it catches Skye off guard. She was expecting another excuse, another reminder of how lucky she is, something that Skye can actually get mad at. She doesn’t want to win, she wants to fight.

Skye climbs out of the tire swing, and her legs are still wobbly from the dizziness but she stands there and stares at her mother. “You’re a terrible mother.” Skye tells her, “you only care about yourself.”

Still, her mother doesn’t fight back. She just shrugs it off. It drives Skye crazy. She wants her to react, she wants her to prove that she does care about others, except she just admits it. She just takes it. It drives her crazy, it makes her want to scream.

“Can’t you just choose whether or not you’re going to be in my life? You can’t just show up when you feel like it. You can’t just care about me when it’s convenient to you!” Skye’s voice rises, she can feel each word hit her lungs. She looks for any change of expression in Irene. She wants it to hurt. She wants her to feel her pain.

“Why won’t you say anything?” Skye can hear her voice echoing across the cul de sac. Except she doesn’t care.

“Kid,” Her mother’s voice is quiet, and Skye can almost hear it waver, “I am so sorry for not calling. I’m so sorry for not being there. You’re right, I am a terrible mother; but I love you. When I got the call from your grandparents, that they were pronouncing you dead, it almost killed me. I regretting not spending time with you. I regretted not getting you out of this city sooner.”

“What?” For a second Skye can almost see tears in her mother’s eyes. She can see the walls that her mother was so good at putting up, crack a little bit.

“The gods aren’t perfect, baby girl, take it from someone who knew one. They have a way of pulling people in and crushing them. This town is no different. Your father was no different. He always talked about how he wasn’t like them. He was a minor god, he had no real power, he just tried to live an honest life. Except he just wanted what all the rest of them wanted. Kids. He got what he wanted, he got you. I was just a conquest.” Skye had never heard the story of how her mother met her dad. It was always skipped over. So she learned to stop asking. It was one of the few rules in their house. Don’t ask about dad. Suddenly she realizes why.

“So he-”

“Yeah.” Irene sighs, “I wanted to give you a better chance. I didn’t want you to fall into the same system. I didn’t want you to get crushed. Except I was in no condition to raise a baby. I was messed up. So I told myself when I was better, when I was more equipped, I would get you out. Except then I saw how happy you were with them. So, I let you stay. Except you got crushed anyways. So I blamed myself. I thought that if I had gotten you out, none of this would’ve happened. But me not showing up, that was just me being scared. I was scared I’d see you and just see another version of me.”

“I think its too late for that.” Skye says. She already saw too much of her mother in herself, and she has a feeling Irene sees the same thing.

“You can do better than me, kid.”

“Yeah, you don’t know what happened tonight.”

That line seems to catch Irene off guard. Maybe she’s starting to realize just how similar they are. So, Skye tells her everything, though she leaves out the details. She tells her about that night with Delilah, and about Lachlan and their complicated relationship, she tells her about the fight, and suddenly she realizes the tears that she had wished for earlier were finally here.

At the end of it, all Irene can say is, “I should’ve gotten you out sooner.”

Skye can’t help but agree.